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Mother nature strikes back
Mayhem taints benefit concert at local park

By I.P. Knightly
Neon Yellow News Service

Palo Alto, CA -- Disaster struck during a blues concert in Foothills Park Friday night as mountain lions, deer, and squirrels emerged from the woodlands to retake their land, attacking horrified human concert-goers who ran for their SUVs in futile atempts to escape the fury of mother nature.

The aged and children were easy targets for the fast-moving creatures. At the end of the evening 10,014 were dead, and 23 were missing.

"Wait, there were only 350 people there," stated some guy who claimed to be one of the people in charge of the concert. He seemed like he knew what he was talking about, so we ignored him and interviewed imbeciles instead.

At the lowlands Command Center set up by Palo Alto Police, rumors circulated that a ransom note fashioned of sticks and leaves was delivered by a scrub jay, but police officials would neither confirm nor deny the report, so we wrote about it anyway.

"Nonsense," said Bob Katz, a spokesman and self-described sympethizer with the Foothills Liberation Front, or FLF. "The forest creatures of the foothills would never take hostages. We...I mean they...only kill and eat their prey on the spot. Those 23 'missing' people are definitely goners. The squirrels may be storing knuckles for next winter, but what can you do. The squirrels are freaking nuts, you know."

"Listen, the humans have been encroaching on our land for too long," stated Katz. "The Foothills Liberation Front, in solidarity with our comrades in the Plant Liberation Front, will no longer stand by as humanity abuses our peaceful way of life with their horrible blues music."

The Plant Liberation Front was unusually silent.

Victims
One of the victims was D. Fisher Price, described as a journalist-in-training with local tabloid The Daily Drivel. He was gored by a deer and then trampled by seven angry squirrels who appeared to be dancing on his face and pummeling him with acorns. Horrified witnesses could only run for their lives.

"It was awful, no one deserves to go like that," stated Palo Alto councilmember Stu Dentloan. "But I suppose he had it coming. After all, he kept referring to the park as a 'preserve' in his newspaper, when everyone knows they're two totally different things."

A memorial for Price has been hastily arranged by his employer, The Daily Drivel, which announced an advertising special for anyone who would like to remember him in print with a tasteful full-color front page ad, two for the price of one this week only.

"Plant activist" killed
Also killed was local resident Douglas Lichen, who reportedly had leapt to the stage when the mayhem began, shouting "Plants first! Plants first!"

"I thought he was crazy," said a witness. "I was just running for my life, but I heard him yelling something about the inalienable rights of fungus and how we humans were the scourge that would bring on the end of days. Or some crap like that. Goddamn eco-freaks."

Lichen, an activist with Plants First!, was torn apart by crazed mountain lions in the ensuing tragedy. A drum circle for Lichen will be held tonight around the large oak in the middle of Woodrat Field, according to Plants First! spokesbeing Darryl Cherney. Donations of biodiesel will be accepted in lieu of flowers. "Don't kill more plants!" said Cherney.

Posted by espd at 11:37 PM | 
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